Heavenly Back and Forth

May 24, 2009

There is a knock on St. Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A short time later there’s another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

“Hey, are you playing games with me?” St. Peter calls after him.

“No,” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They’re trying to resuscitate me.”


Tax Forms for Troops

May 24, 2009

It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.

“Why so many?” I asked.

“My son is overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.”

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” I told her. “It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”

“I know. I’m the base commander’s mother.”

Tax Form – New and Improved

May 10, 2009

Tax Form: Year ___________________

Name: ____________________________

Address: _________________________

City: ____________________________

State: ___________________________

Zip: _____________________________

Social Security Number:


1. How much money did you make
   during the previous year?


2. Send it to us:
   Internal Revenue Service
   Payment Processing Center
   Memphis, TN, USA

Job Hunting

March 4, 2009

I’ve been working hard lately. I thought you might like to know what I’ve been up to.

I got a job at an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate so I got canned.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumber jack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working at the muffler shop, but that was just exhausting!

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to work at the Deli, But any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

I studied a long time and became a doctor, then found out that I didn’t have the patients.

Shortly after that I found a job at the shoe factory. I tried, but I didn’t have the sole for it, besides, I just didn’t fit in.

One day I tried selling velcro, but couldn’t stick with it!

They suggested I try professional fishing, but soon discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

After training to be a fireman, I suffered from job burn out.

I did manage to get a good job with a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining.

I applied for a job at Dickerson Park feeding the giraffes, but they said that I wasn’t up to it.

So then I applied at the gym, They said I wasn’t fit for it. Go figure??

I did get the job as the county historian. Then I realized that there was no future in it.

Someone suggested I look into becoming a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

A tennis instructor would have been fun, but it wasn’t my racket. I way too high strung.

Spent some time farming, but I wasn’t out standing in my field.

Looked into becoming a pilot, but they said I had a bad altitude.

So now I’ve retired and found that I’m a perfect fit for this job.

The Squeeze

February 10, 2009

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A Short Quiz

January 25, 2009

Schwartzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use his.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

George Burns’ was hot.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it?

ANSWER: A Last Name

Starting School

January 4, 2009

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet and so on.

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked “What for?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.

“What? Again?” he asked.


January 4, 2009

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile.

“Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.”

“Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”

Before I Was a Mom

January 3, 2009

Before I was a Mom, I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom, I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom, I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom, I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, my body, and my time. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn’t know that bond between a Mother and her child. I didn’t know that something so small Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderfulment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Giving All We Have

January 3, 2009

Father O’Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, “The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate.”

He said to Harrigan, “If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn’t you give half of it to the poor?”

He said, “I would that, Father.”

The priest said, “If you had two greyhounds, wouldn’t you give one of them to your neighbour next door?”

Harrigan said, “No.”

The priest said, “And why not?”

He said, “I have two greyhounds.”