Passing Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly.”

“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

The Wedding Cake

A groom wanted to surprise his bride on their wedding day so he arranged with the bakery to have a Bible verse inscribed on the cake.

He chose 1 John 4:18, which reads: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”.

But the baker, not being familiar with the Bible, got the verse wrong and on the day of his wedding the groom was surprised to find the cake inscribed with John 4:18, which read: “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.”

You’ll Find Jesus There

“Tomorrow morning,” the surgeon began, “I’ll open up your heart.” “You’ll find Jesus there,” the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed. “I’ll cut your heart open,” he continued, “to see how much damage has been done.”

“But when you open up my heart, you’ll find Jesus in there.” The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. “When I see how much damage has been done, I’ll sew your heart and chest back up and I’ll plan what to do next.”

“But you’ll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You’ll find Him in my heart.” The surgeon had had enough. “I’ll tell you what I’ll find in your heart. I’ll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I’ll find out if I can make you well.” “You’ll find Jesus there too. He lives there.”

The surgeon left. The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery,” Damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy – painkillers and bed rest.

Prognosis,” here he paused, “death within one year.” He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.

“Why?” he asked aloud. “Why did You do this? You’ve put him here; You’ve put him in this pain; and You’ve cursed him to an early death. Why?” The Lord answered and said, “The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.”

The surgeon’s tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. “You created that boy, and You created that heart. He’ll be dead in months. Why? ” The Lord answered, “The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty. I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb.”

The surgeon wept.

The surgeon sat beside the boy’s bed. The boy’s parents sat across from him.

The boy awoke and whispered, “Did you cut open my heart?” “Yes,” said the surgeon. “What did you find?” asked the boy. “I found Jesus there,” said the surgeon.

- Author Unknown

Jesus and Barney

A 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough. She kept up a non-stop conversation while the nurse was trying to assess her lung sounds.

Finally, the nurse said, “Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.”

The child looked at her and calmly stated, “I have Jesus in my heart. Barney’s on my underwear.”

Things You Never Hear in Church

• Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
• I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.
• Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
• I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
• Forget the denominational minimum salary; let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
• I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before.
• Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
• Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
• Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.

The Love of Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a beautiful girl and he fell madly in love with her.

When it was apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet and lovely girl, she will never go for this carrying on.” So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Some months after his marriage, his car broke down on his way home from work. Since he and his wife lived in the country, he phoned her to say he wouldn’t be home at his usual hour because he had to walk the rest of the way home.

On his way home he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving he ate three large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and after arriving home, felt he had putt-putted his last.

His wife was somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner this evening.”She then blindfolded him and led him to his seat at the head of the table. He sat down and just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She left him to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud but as ripe as rotten eggs.

He took his napkin and vigorously fanned the air around him. He felt another urge coming on, shifted to the other leg, and let go again. This was a prize winner! While keeping one ear on the phone conversation, he kept on for another ten minutes. Upon hearing the phone hang up, he placed his napkin in his lap, folded his hands on top of it and smiled contentedly to himself, the very picture of innocence.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he hadn’t. At this point she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise–twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party!

Kids and Science

• One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
• When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
• While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
• It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
• H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
• The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
• The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
• A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
• The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
• Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
• Liter: A nest of young puppies.
• Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
• Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
• Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
• Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
• For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
• For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

The English Language

Let’s face it English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault — the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

Anaconda Attack

The following is (supposedly) from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.

This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and – always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Questions Asked at National Parks

Grand Canyon National Park:
• Was this man-made?
• Do you light it up at night?
• Is the mule train air conditioned?
• So where are the faces of the presidents?

  Everglades National Park:

• Are the alligators real?
• Are the baby alligators for sale?
• Where are all the rides?
• What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

  Mesa Verde National Park:

• Did people build this, or did Indians?
• Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
• Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
• What did they worship in the kivas–their own made-up religion?
• Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

  Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

• How much of the cave is underground?
• So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
• Does it ever rain in here?
• How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
• So what is this–just a hole in the ground?

  Yosemite National Park:

• Where are the cages for the animals?
• What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
• What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
• Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

  Denali National Park:

• What time do you feed the bears?
• What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
• Can you show me where yeti lives?
• How often do you mow the tundra?
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

  Yellowstone National Park:

• Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
• How do you turn it on?
• When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
• We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?